Reframing: Seeing Things From Different Angles

Things happens, people say something to us, national disaster occurs almost every month. All of these external things, we couldn't control.

However, we could control the frame from which we look at it and hence, what it means to us. This frame is like glasses, from which we look at the world. For example, if we wear green color glasses and normal glasses, we will see the world differently, different color, and different feel. The world is still they way it is, but our glasses change, our frame change.

Mastering the art of reframing will give us a lot of benefit. We could be the master of our own mind, and be in control of what's happening around. We will be more stable, and not so easily shaken by the outer world.

Here are some tips on how to reframe:

• Look at the positive side of things. Ask, what's good about this, what's great about this? The classic example will be half empty vs half full glass. Same thing, different angle.
  
• If people say nasty things to us. Replay it in our heads, change his voice, make it calmer, more tender, slower. Imagine he said it in such a caring and loving way. Or, we could also ask, what could've happen to him today that cause his mind to be so agitated. Instead of being angry to that person, we will start to pity that person, and compassionate heart will grow.
• React with the things happening with : That's great. Then follow by some benefits that we could derive from the situations. For example, an annoying sales person is approaching us, we could say: That's great. I have the chance to develop my patience now. or, That's great. I'll be able to test my patience now.
  

Life is not a race!

I woke up this morning (actually just about 10 minutes ago) and I suddenly got this realization: life is not a race. Yes, life is a journey, a personal journey. If so, then why are we getting ourselves into the race with others? I realize that we tend to race with others, see who can graduate faster, get better grades, get higher jobs (and get it faster), more successful, who has boyfriend/girlfriend first, who get married first, child more successful than your child, and so forth... The list will never end.. Even sometimes to trivial matter like I'm taller, his nose is smaller, her mouth is sexier, etc.

When I then adopt the metaphor "life is not a race", I'm suddenly free from all these. My body and mind become more relaxed and I feel so free. Yeah, Life is a personal journey, with ourselves as the main producer, creator, and actor. If we do something because others told us to do so, or so we will looked good, it is still ourselves that do it, and it is our "choice" to do so. After all, Life is a choice, and whether we follow ourselves or others, we make our own choice! All of our actions than, will have consequences that we have to bear, not others. Like the Buddha said," We are the owner of our own Kamma". So, we choose our actions, and we will face all the consequences ourselves too.

Now, having realized that life is a personal journey, the next question to ask ourselves is, where do you want this journey to end? Whether we want it or not, life will end. It could be 80 years from now, 50 years, 40 years, 20, 10 years, 1 year, 8 months, 8 weeks, anytime. Life doesn't send us a postcard telling us our time left is this world is this years and this months. No. Nevertheless, we could devise the ending and walk towards that direction. And of course, the journey itself matter as well.
So think about it, how do you want your ending like? How do you want your journey like?

Precise communication skills

In our daily conversations, it's not rare that we tend to over-generalized for almost everything. We or we heard people say that kids nowadays are behaving badly, they are bad, economies are bad, and so on and so forth.

Within ourselves, we may also find we have a lot of generalized self talk such as I'm no good, I'm loser, I always fail, I can't get it right, I will never make it, and so on...

Has it ever occurred to you?

In this post, I would like to share simple ways to have a precise communication. I learn this from Tony Robbins (I've been reading his book whole days and learned a lot)


First, lay down you fingers, and memorize this from the left hand (LH) pinky finger to right hand (RH) pinky.

• LH pinky : All? Every? Never?
  
• LH ring finger : What would happen if you did? What causes or prevents
  
• LH Middle finger : How spesifically
  
• LH index finder : Who specifically? What specifically?
  
• LH thumb : Compare to what?
  

• RH pinky : Universals
  
• RH ring finger : Should, shouldn't must, can't
  
• RH middle finger : Verbs
  
• RH index finder: Nouns
  
• RH thumb: Too much, too many, too expensive, too hard

Examples:

1. Nowadays, all kids are bad.
2. All?

1. It's too hard. I can't do it.
2. What would happen if you did? What prevents you from doing it?

1. I feel terrible.
2. How specifically? What specifically is causing you to feel that way?

1. They don't understand me.
2. Who?

1. It's too expensive.
2. Compare to what?

Metaprograms (NLP): The human software

In the simplest form, metaprograms are our inner internal programs or functions that we use in deciding how and what we pay attention to. It is something like inner filter on how we see and evaluate things around us.
There are many kinds of metaprograms:

1. Moving towards or moving away.

• Moving away (aversion): to avoid pain, may read a book to look good (to avoid looked stupid). if you don't study, you won't get a good job
  
• Moving towards (greed): to gain pleasure. read book for the contents (benefits), if you study, you could get to any job you want.
  
• To know, ask what they want in a relationship (check whether they tell u want they want or what they don't want more)
  

2. External or internal frames of reference.

• Internal: the reference comes from inside, inner metrics. Can be convinced by saying: you are the only who knows. You know it yourself better, you are the only one who can convince you.
  
• External: the reference comes from outside, from others reactions, others behaviors, what they say. Can be convinced by using social proof, what other say or feel, testimonials, etc.
  
• To know: ask how one know he's done a good job
  

3. Sorting by self or sorting by others.

• By self: What's in it for me? only interested on self
  
• By others: What it could do for me and others? interested in others
• To know, ask random questions maybe ask about work experience, what's important, why, and see if that person is paying attention while you are asking, and if he is interested in your response, or only in his.
  

4. Matchers and mismatchers

• Find sameness (mathcers): look at things and see what they have in common. Want the same thing over and over again, suitable for repetitive kind of jobs
  
• Find sameness with exception: find the common then find what is different.
  
• Find difference (mismathcers): always see how things are different, things are not alike at all, suitable for jobs that keep on changing. If there's a disagreement, one of the trick is to say there's no solution here (then he will find the opposite).
  
• Find difference with exception: see the difference first, then see something in common.
• To know, ask what's the relationship between 2 or 3 related things.
  

5. What it takes to convince someone of something.

• Immediate: show it once and you are set
  
• a number of times: maybe two or more times
  
• Over a period of time: over a week, a month, or a year
  
• Consistently: over time, must be demonstrated on all occasions.
  
• To know, ask how do you know when someone else is good at a job? Do you have to see them do it, hear about how good they are, do it with them, read about them?
  

6. Possibility or necessity

• Necessity: do something because they have to, get by with what comes and is available, may welcome constant jobs.
  
• Possibility: Looking for varieties and what is possible. Motivated more by what they want to do than what they have to do.
• To know: ask why he works on that company, or why he bought that car.
  

7. Working stlye.

• Independent: work on their own, feel uneasy in a group setting, prefer to do things on his own way
  
• Cooperative: prefer to share responsibility and to be in a group
• Proximity: somewhere in between, want to be part of a team but work alone

8. Sort by feelings or thoughts

9. Make decision by facts or figures, or idea and concepts. (details vs big pictures)

10. Turn on by beginnings, or completion.

11. Compare by price or values

and the list continues...
What's yours?


Sources: Tony Robbins, Unlimited Power.

How to develop rapport with anyone

I. Finding a common grounds

The easiest way to build a rapport with anyone is to find common believes, interest, passion between that person and us. We could start by asking what his interest or hobbies is. Or, where he studied, what major, what course. Or, what club does he belong to, and so forth. The idea is to find something that both of us have in common. The moment we could find some common ground, the ice will start to break and the rapport will start to come into form.

II. Mirroring: Voice, Tonality, Physiology, Body Language.

Research has shown that contents or words only consist of 7% of the communication. Voice consist of 38% and body language 55%. This means that we could build the rapport faster by start emulating his pattern of voice, tonality, body language, breath pattern, and so on.
In addition, we could observe whether that person is visual, kinesthetic or auditory and then adjust accordingly.

III. Listening: Active and Truly listening.

Being there fully for the person.
A lot of time, our physical body is there, but our mind is not. We are thinking of what we are going to do tonight, tomorrow, day after, etc. Or, we hear what they say, but we don't really listen. Instead, we try to find the timing where we can rebut his statements, and when he is speaking, we think of what we are going to say next.
Remember: "That other person is the most important person right now". Give the utmost attention and interest on that person, on what he's got to say, on his ideas and so. In addition, you can also express sign of agreement, understanding.


IV. Radiant Mind: Loving Kindness and Compassion

Before the interaction, wish that person to be well and happy. Spread your loving kindness to the surroundings and especially to that person.
Some simple verses:
May he be well and happy
May he be free from enmity and danger
May he be free from mental and physical suffering
May be be truly happy

When we start the interaction with the right, wholesome mind, things will most likely go smoothly. With loving kindness, our heart become calmer and more peaceful, and it helps us to be truly there for the person, to be able to be truly present.

Exams...

Oh.. Exams coming soon.. Tomorrow will be my first paper, and next Tuesday will be the last.
Oh yeah, one more week to go! He he

Meanwhile, I'll have to focus on my study. Have been studying pretty hard for the past weeks. It seems that I study the best when I enjoy the subject. Whenever I enjoy, the mind is happy. Then, energy will arise, and effort will be effortless.

Keeping the mind relax and fresh is also very important. Have been sleeping for a lot this past weeks, and meditate for a bit. Meditation keeps the mind sane, and give the heart enough energy to maintain the concentration..

Ok. go back to study now...

4th Year- Honours class

Wow. It's been so long since I last blogged here. Life has been pretty busy last few months and I'm kind of lost of myself sometimes.

It's been a tough decision, whether to take up hons or not. But after thinking for months, I thought that I'll just take it, since I'm still quite young, and I don't want to regret not taking it in the future.Oh well, here I am now.

However, thoughts about how my life would be today had I decided not to take it keeps on bugging me these past few days. Could it be the effect of too much stress? I wonder...

Nevertheless, I suppose that this is the nature of life: inconstant, uncertain and sometimes unsatisfactory. It's like a wave, with peak and valley. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But no matter what it is, life goes on, and I must, too.

Hence, I must try my best to live at the present moment, and be forward looking. Have a vision for the future and restructure my life accordingly. More importantly, maintain wholesome thoughts and be happy. ( :

What I learn today?

creative thinking:

linking other non-related stuff to the problem.

Find a linkage on different things.

Innovator as trouble maker for government?

government trying to be neutral --> can't help much?

non creativity --> efficiency? they go diff way?

Take ownership, have faith

DOn't limit yourself. Ask the right questions...

Singpaore reputation n brand concious...

Passion as

extension of body map?

Thinking vs doing! DO more!!!

We always do thing when we don;t know! Just do it!

Life has no rehearsal. You are just going to die! We won't live forever! Our current average age is 80 years, how many we have left?

Live a safe life and do nothing?

Or go confront and do something (great)?

The whole idea of being mature is taking responsibility!

Focus on the outcome, on what u wan to achieve at the end of the day.

Keep asking question!

Instant Mastery

We are living in an instant world. From instant noodles to instant delivery to instant information, everything is instant. We want speed! And it seems that enough is not in the dictionary.

Nowadays, if we look at newspapers, we will find a lot of information or advertisement on one or few days workshops, seminars, boot-camps or whatever that promise instant mastery of certain subject, the most common one is in the "how to make money" niche. They will tell you that all you need to do is to attend and then you are going to master the knowledge and have the proficient to do whatever they are teaching.

However, is it really true? I believe it is not entirely true.

For me, Learning is a process, and mastery comes from a process. It is not something instantaneous, but something acquired through cumulative learning and practice. With some trips and tricks, we may have it shorter, but there are still process, and ongoing practice is required.

There is no way that one can become a business building expert just by one day or three days seminars. The information may be relevant and useful, but one will need to go to apply them, to practice, get the feedback, refine, then do it again, until one become an expert. One will need determination, hard work and patience to achieve it.

One becomes a doctor through process. So do engineer, pilot, accountant, and others.

It is also how we learn how to cycle, not by reading 500 pages manual or listen to 5 hours instructions on how to cycle, but through a process of falling and trying again.

Same thing with meditation practice, it is a process. Some people go to a week retreat with a mentality that after one week, I am going to be an expert already. I myself used to think like that. But it is really not so. It is a part of process, of ongoing practice. We can't just meditate intensively for 7 days then do nothing for 358 days. There is almost impossible to attain high level of practice by that (unless we have super strong Parami).

So, in conclusion, to master some new thing, to be an expert on certain subject, we will need to go through a process. Learning from a good teacher may help us to accelerate, to avoid certain pitfalls, but we also need to have patience, determine, and hard work. ( :

Retire, then what?

I have heard the idea of retire young retire rich many times. But only recently, I think about it again, in a deeper level. Here goes the question: what do you do after you retire? Watching tv? Slacking? Gossiping? eating junk food? Sleeping? DO what you really want?

Most people may say retire than do what they really want. Hmm... Sounds good. But then, it imply one thing: what we have been doing so far before we retire is not what we want to do.

This thinking strikes me hard, and get me thinking hard. You see, if what we are doing now is not what we really want to do, why wait till we retire? be it old or young... Why not do what we want Now? Why not change it now?

Life is precious, very very precious indeed. It is very sad if we spend 30 to 40 years of our life, working, yet we are not enjoying it, not having fun, and instead bearing the unnecessary pain and suffering, complaining... It is an irony if we are making money, but the work or business that we are in are simply not what our heart want.

You see, if what we are doing is what we want, then we need not to retire, do we? Unless we are not able to do it anymore of course. But otherwise, doesn't it make sense to just keep doing it?

So I think that this could be a useful food for thought. Think about it. What we really want to do in this life? What we should do in this life? Don't wait till we retire, do it now. Enjoy every moment, and hence live life to the fullest.

Another inspiring one

Patience is not silence, but speaking & acting at the right time with a calm mind, in an unharmful way. Generosity is not giving everything you have or spending all of your time for the benefit of others, but not keeping your mind hanging onto what you have. Compassion is not putting yourself into trouble, but taking others out of trouble.

Contentment

Got this email from a friend: So inspiring. ( :

Have you ever, at any one time, had the feeling that life is bad, real bad, and you wish you were in another situation?

You find life make things difficult for you, work sucks, life sucks, everything
seems to go wrong....
Read the following story... it may change your views about life:
After a conversation with one of my friends, he told me despite taking 2 jobs, he brings back barely above 1K per month, he is happy as he is.
I wonder how he can be as happy as he is considering he has to skimp his life with the low pay to support a pair of old parents, in-laws, a wife, 2 daughters and the many bills of a household.

He explained that it was through one incident that he saw in India that happened a few years ago when he was really feeling low and touring India after a major setback.
He said that right in front of his very eyes he saw an Indian mother chop off her child's right hand with a chopper. The helplessness in the mother's eyes, the scream of pain from the innocent 4-year-old child haunted him until today.

You may ask why did the mother do so; had the child been naughty, had the child's hand been infected?? No, it was done for two simple words- - -TO BEG!
The desperate mother deliberately caused the child to be handicapped so that the child could go out to the streets to beg.
Taken aback by the scene, he dropped a piece of bread he was eating half-way.
And almost instantly, a flock 5 or 6 children swamped towards this small piece of bread which was covered with sand, robbing bits from one another.
The natural reaction of hunger.

Stricken by the happenings, he instructed his guide to drive him to the nearest bakery. He arrived at two bakeries and bought every single loaf of bread he found in the bakeries. The owner was dumbfounded but willingly sold everything. He spent less than $100 to obtain about 400 loaves of bread (this is less than $0.25 per loaf) and spent another $100 to get
daily necessities.
Off he went in the truck full of bread into the streets. As he distributed the bread and necessities to the children (mostly handicapped) and a few adults, he received cheers and bows from these unfortunate. For the first time in his life he wondered how people can give up their dignity for a loaf of bread which cost less than $0.25.

He began to tell himself how fortunate he is. How fortunate he is to be able to have a complete body, have a job! , have a family, have the chance to complain what food is nice and what isn't nice, have the chance to be clothed, have the many things that these people in front of him are deprived of...

Now I begin to think and feel it, too! Was my life really that bad?
Perhaps... no, I should not feel bad at all... What about you? Maybe the next time you think you are, think about the child who lost one hand to beg on the streets.

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realization of how much you already have."

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that! we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Determination

In Buddhism, there are 4 aspect of Determination:

1. Discernment: Setting wise goals and clear understanding to get there.

2. Truth: Stay true to the determination and commit to the goals we set

3. Relinquishment: Letting go of lower pleasure or activities or habits that hinder the process

4. Peace: Keeping the mind calm in the course of working towards the goal.

A good death

Death is certainly a topic that some people try to avoid. However, death is the nature of us. When there is a birth, there is a death. So, rather than avoiding it, I feel that it is wiser to think about it and thus will be able to prepare for it as well.

I sometimes wonder, how will I die? When will I die? I am sometimes worried if I don't have enough time to practice in this life, and die unwholesomely. It is really scary if I think about it. As the last thought may determine where is my next life, it is thus one of the most important thought that I have to take care of. But what if I am terribly sick that time? Or if I have an accident? Or other occasion where I can't control my last thought comfortably?

The answer to these questions is: live a good life! If I always keep my precepts, always do good, develop wholesome qualities such as Loving Kindness, Compassion, Joy, Equanimity, Generosity, and keep on developing the mind through meditation, then our life will be quite safe. The positive energy will be there, as the result from the wholesome cultivation.

Always try to be wholesome, to do good. With this, wherever and whatever happen, the mind will stay strong and wholesome. And with a strong and pure precepts, we may live happily and blamelessly, and also die peacefully. ( :

The Law of Cause and Effect

The Law of Kamma is one of the most fundamental and universal law in this world. We reap what we sow. For all action, there will be reaction. There is an effect, there is a cause preceding. This is the Law of Kamma, The Law of Cause and Effect.

Certainly, It is not easy to totally understand this law, and it takes a strong wisdom to comprehend it. But, even if we can understand this only a bit, we can benefit tremendously.

When I look at my practice, sometimes I am wondering why my progress is so slow. Then I realize: wait a minute. Have I put in enough effort? Have I put it enough cause? If not, how can I expect to get the result (effect)? Thinking thus, my mind become calmer, and I am able to get back my momentum in my practice.

It is cause and effect. So, if we have been clear of what we really want to achieve, we then need to be clear of what is the cause we need to put in so that we can achieve what we want. Putting the right cause is very important. We can't expect to get a mango tree if we plant an apple seed.